Terry Mahony's view on marriage & sex

MARRIAGE AS SACRAMENT 39.5 Min.


I. Introduction





Chris

The title of this talk is Marriage as Sacrament. The key concept is that marriage is a visible sign of God's love. Please turn to page 53 in your Workbook. In the presentation last night you got in touch with the value of dialogue this far on the weekend and were invited to use it daily. Now we will be taking a look at marriage as a sacrament and what that means for the Church. During this presentation we ask our brothers and sisters of other faiths to think of your own Church’s roots and traditions as we talk about ours.


II. Our wedding day



Terry

A.1

I had been looking forward to our wedding day with much anticipation. Chris was the one person I wanted to share the rest of my life with. I knew I could trust her with anything. She seemed to have the ability to understand me and help me satisfy all my needs. I felt trusted and valued when I was with her. She was caring, considerate and easily put people at ease. I could talk to Chris about anything and everything without being fearful or threatened. {What quality did you appreciate on that day? – Mentality p3/10}

A.2

When we were married there would be no more having to say good night then drive back to my lodgings, we would be together and close each and every day. I hope our relationship would grow stronger and bring us closer together in deeper and deeper love. I dreamed of having our own house and children to make that house into a home. I expected I would be the bread winner and Chris would raise our children and create a warm and welcoming home.

B.1

Our wedding day seemed like a whirl of excitement and nerves. I didn’t really have time to fully focus on the wedding ceremony. I was overjoyed that Chris and I would soon be husband and wife but my mind also darted here and there thinking about the wedding cars, the photos, the reception and the speech I had to give. I was hoping all our practice of the bridal waltz would pay off.

B.2

I considered no other option than to be married in a Catholic Church. I had attended catholic schools and my family was staunchly catholic. It was part of my upbringing and culture to be married in church. My youngest brother was the altar boy.

B.3

At the time of our marriage I didn’t give a lot of thought to the Sacrament of Marriage aspect. I knew Chris and I were committing our lives to each other and the rings we exchanged during the ceremony were an obvious/external sign of our commitment and love

B.4

I saw the priest as performing the sacrament, officially making Chris and I a married couple. The Nuptial mass would hopefully bring God’s blessing on our union, but I did not give much thought to the significance of the sacrament.
Chris
A1.

As our wedding day approached, I was full of anticipation and excitement. Terry was the man of my dreams. He was loving, gentle, caring, funny and kind, and he loved me unreservedly. I could not imagine life without him. He was the man of my dreams. {What quality did you appreciate on that day? – Mentality p3/10}

A2.

I can still remember with warm happy memories our wedding day. I was almost exploding with joy as our life together stretched out before me and in my dreams I looked forward to a life of wedded bliss; a life cherishing Terry and being cherished by him. I could not bear to be parted from him for even a minute.

B1.

The morning of the wedding was taken up with hairdressers, makeup, painting the nails and a million other things. The whole house seemed like a garden with every available space blossoming with all manner of bridal finery. Throughout the day though I kept wondering what Terry was doing and what he was feeling. Finally everyone was suitably decked out and the bridal cars arrived. I was so eager to get to the church that I gathered up the train and veil and flew out the front door. I barely remember the walk down the aisle on my father's arm. My whole attention was focused on that gorgeous man standing at the foot of the altar. The ceremony went to plan. The photographic session and reception all whizzed by.

B2.

We had decided to get married in the Catholic Church as it seemed the right thing to do. I wanted our marriage to be blessed. Both sets of parents would have expected it. In fact we took getting married in the Church for granted and never contemplated anything else.

B3.

Terry's parish priest married us. He was a lovely man and the service was beautiful though I had no real appreciation at the time of the sacrament of marriage. I saw the whole church part as finishing with the procession out of the church. Yes, the marriage was blessed and the wedding rings we exchanged were symbols of our love but that was it for the church part…we were off to celebrate with family and friends

B4.

I saw Fr McGlyn as the official at the wedding. He married us, blessed our union and filled in all the paperwork making everything official. Our family and friends were there to witness our union and to celebrate with us afterwards.


III. A Sacramental love the kind of love we need
Priest

III.A (5 mins) ON PAGE 54 OF WORKBOOK


{Suggest you check your timing for section III}
Chris

III.B1

On our wedding day it seemed to me that it would be easy to love Terry unconditionally so great was my desire to demonstrate my love for him in every way possible. Loving Terry was my prime purpose in life. But in reality, the call by Paul in Ephesians to love each other unconditionally, just as Jesus loves His church, is sometimes easier said than done. The marriage vows include the phrase 'in good times and in bad' for very good reason I think. 'To love without condition' – to respect Terry as my husband., challenges me to be accepting and understanding of Terry as he is 'here and now'. I am called to love him actively at all times. It is easy in the good times to stay in relationship, to be one. But the more difficult times in our relationship whether caused by pressures of work, family, children or simply being out of sorts, call me to make a deliberate choice to try and be more sympathetic, more understanding, more accepting of Terry than I might otherwise be prepared to be (?). If I respond to what I think is Terry's moodiness or stubbornness in wanting the fence painted brown again instead of something different, by being judgmental or distant, then I am being closed and self contained, refusing to be part of a relationship with Terry, refusing to be 'one flesh' with him. But loving and accepting him openly at these times is nurturing and allows Terry the freedom to be the person he is meant to be, not the person I might want him to be or the person he might think I want him to be. I am called to nourish and tenderly care for Terry in the knowledge that we are called to love one another, to be one in our relationship .

When I hear St. Paul saying “husbands love your wives even as Christ loved the Church and handed Himself over for her”, I feel really challenged realising how often I place conditions on my love for Terry.


To love Terry without conditions is often a struggle for me. It means being willing to listen to his way of doing things around the house. This could be mowing the lawn or painting the house. I need to be patient instead of getting frustrated with his different approaches. It means being open to accept, love and support Terry even when I disagree with his feelings. He may be angry about something like the vacuum not being put away or my shoes still sitting at our bedroom door. I mightn’t share his sentiments and may think that his anger is not justified but in trying to accept Terry as he is, I am seeking to love him unconditionally.


The area of our sexual intimacy is where I find perhaps my greatest challenge to love Terry as Jesus loved his Church without conditions. My desire to be in control however, means that I sometimes use sex as a subtle weapon in my power struggles with Terry. Yet the challenge is there for me to put aside judging whether Terry is deserving of sexual favours and to be fully available to him without conditions.
Terry

III.B2

St Paul’s words “So husbands should love their wives as their own bodies” are a constant challenge to me. I try to take care of my body. I try to keep it fit with proper rest, exercise and medicine when needed. I feed, cloth and wash my body.

In the same way I try to care for and cherish Chris. She may need a cuddle after a bad day, perhaps a listening ear or a comforting word, space to her self or an accepting heart. To provide this for Chris in the good and especially in bad times, I must put aside my attitudes (self pity) and judgments (Its her own fault) and be there for her so that she knows she is loved and is special to me.

When my body is healthy I have energy. I am full of life and can tackle almost anything. Similarly when Chris is happy and content, I too am happy. When I love Chris in this way I am true to St Paul’s challenge to Love Chris just as I love my own body.








IV. The gifts of our Sacrament
Chris

{Suggested addition – Overview p77}

God is love! Through the spirit of love, Christ is presentin our relationship, and our love becomes: contagious, life giving, raised above the ordinary and has the power to heal. These are special gifts of our sacrament of marriage.

IV.A We are on page 55 of the workbook


When we are loving, as Christ loves the church, our love becomes contagious to the point that everyone who experiences us can’t help but feel better about themselves. They want this something special that we have. We are affected by our friends Bill and Ardell, and, Tim and Jane in this way. Whenever we are with them, we are in awe of their love and commitment and their vitality for life. Being with them seems to give us life and the energy to want to be more than we are, we are challenged to be more like them. We feel warm and close and are more in tune with each other when we are around them.


After our weekend, our friends and older children, wanted to know why we were glowing and what sort of dirty weekend we had been on! I knew inwardly, that we were aglow with God’s love and our new found love for each other. It is important for those around us to experience Christ’s love through our love for each other. So by simply loving each other the best way we can, we create a yearning in others to experience and grow in love. Love is contagious.
Terry

IV.B


With Christ in our relationship, the love that Chris and I have as a married couple becomes life-giving. This has not only resulted in the birth of our children but we also have the opportunity to affirm the gifts and potential of others, thus being lifegiving to them. Through our love we can affirm and challenge them to use these gifts and to love each other more.





Chris and I try to make our love visible to others around us by holding hands, sitting together and being sensitive to each other. In this way we give hope to others especially the younger couples that are just starting out in marriage or thinking about it. They are able to see that the world is not just full of pain and divorces.


Chris and I try to be open to others whether in our parish, down the street or at social events. It may be encouraging others with a listening ear or being willing to share our story. This is a rewarding time for Chris and I as we are able to put into action the wonderful gift of our love being life-giving to those around us. Your love is also life-giving to others.
IV.C


With the presence of Jesus in our love we are able to lift ourselves above the ordinariness of everyday life. When Chris and I encounter difficult periods or crises in our marriage that might destroy other marriages, we seem to grow and even thrive through these difficult periods. {repeated at the end of this section}


Recently when I missed out on a significant promotion because of a bureaucratic bungle, I could have easily been bitter and twisted. I felt very angry. However, instead of blowing my top, which could so easily have been my response, with the help of Jesus, I was open to Chris supporting me through this crisis, and we as a couple were able to rise above the ordinary outcomes of disappointment and bitterness..


The gift to rise above the ordinary helps us to know with certainty that the two of us together in love can do or overcome just about anything.


IV.D. Healing
Chris
Healing is a most precious gift available to us as sacramental couples to raise us out of the pain of brokenness, the perception of our own weaknesses and doubts that we are really loved. It can restore us to peace and belonging and help us to see ourselves and others in a new light.

Our brokenness and not only our little hurts can be healed by our spouse’s sacramental love. Jesus’ presence in our love can make deep healing happen, but not always instantly. Healing is a gift and can take time. The key to opening this gift is asking for and giving forgiveness.

Our lives are relatively free of dramatic hurts but we do nevertheless hurt each other often. Frequently we don’t even admit that we are hurting. We would like to share with you an occasion when we opened the gift of forgiveness for each other.


Terry

Recently, Chris’ work had been fairly hectic and she seemed to be spending a lot of time getting nowhere fast. She had no time for me or our relationship, I felt hurt because I sensed I was being taken for granted but said nothing. At such times, I often cook. On this occasion Chris forgot to leave anything out so I thawed some meat and cooked a casserole. Chris arrived home with takeaway. Chris instantly said that the casserole would keep for tomorrow and proceeded to serve out the takeaway. This raised my underlying tension to boiling point. My annoyance was quite obvious as I muttered and crashed plates and things around cleaning up. Chris had to work late again that night so it was easy to remain alone both physically and emotionally. We hardly said a word the next day.

It was a lousy, lousy day both at home and at work. Nothing went even reasonably well and by the end of the day I felt angry and lonely. I was being torn in opposite directions, on one side I thought it's up to Chris to start patching things up, I was still blaming her for the incident. The other side of me was saying 'get off your high horse, you lost your block and should try and make things right again'. When Chris arrived home and we exchanged a polite but cold greeting I realised I needed to do something. I made the decision to be healed. I suggested to Chris that we dialogue about our feelings and the need for peace in our lives. In my letter I described my feelings of anger and loneliness and how this lead to a sense of being trapped. I explained how this had left me with a raging head ache, a tight chest and a sour sickness in my stomach. {we suggest this change so that it can be construed as part of your explanation of feelings}
Chris

Reading Terry's letter, focusing on his feelings of loneliness and anger which he openly described, I began to realise that I had been far from open with him and had expected or rather demanded that he fulfill the role of supportive husband without even giving him the courtesy of really knowing what was going on with my feelings. I finally asked “Will you forgive me?” I realised that I had been quite insensitive to Terry and I wondered if I really deserved to be forgiven.

As we exchanged our love letters there was no more anger or resentment just sadness, love and confusion. But amongst these feelings the healing had begun. I was closer to Terry than I had been for several weeks and loving and being loved became my prime focus again.

The healing continued over the weekend as we discussed what this incident had meant to us and our relationship. The healing increased the more we opened up to each other through the cuddles, the tears, the gentle touches and kisses. It was in the physical sharing with each other the next time we made love that we were fully healed at last.
IV.D3

The reality is that marriage brings a man and a woman into close and constant contact. It is inevitable that this very closeness will result in upset and hurt at times. But, the beauty is that every married couple has the ability to practice the gift of healing.

Healing is never an event. It is a process. It can begin in a forgiveness and healing event- like dialogue- but it is perfected or completed in the gift of SELF to the one who is hurting. Each of us has the power to reach and heal the other’s hurt and it is important that we exercise this power for the sake of our marriages. This then becomes a sign of love for the Church and the world.


V. We are the Church
Chris
V.A
Earlier we heard Fr…… reading the words of St. Paul comparing the love of husbands and wives with the love of Christ for His Church. St. Paul tells us too that we are members of His Body.
For me being members of His Body means we are intimately bound together with Jesus and other members of that Body. We contribute to the life of his Body and affect other members as well as make Jesus’ love present to each other. When we are grieving or suffering then those in contact with us grieve and suffer too.
Other members draw strength from our intimacy, joy and love, so when it is missing in our relationship, they also miss out on this nourishing experience from us.

As a sacramental couple, we are visible to others. So the church is judged by Terry and my relationship and by your relationship too. When our relationship is healthy - then the body of Christ is healthy - because “we are the church”.

When I reflect on being members of His Body I feel special, especially as Christ loves the Church so totally. In being members of His Body “We Are the Church”.
Terry
V.B
We are all church, you are church, Chris and I, as a sacramental couple, are church. Our married relationship can be seen as a little Church. Chris and I are called to be a sign of Christ’s love for all people.


Our little Church is in fact the heart of the family. Each family is a small cell in the whole Body of Christ that makes up the Church. All the families when joined together as one make up the larger Church.


We as “Little Church”, like the big Church, are filled with many gifts of love, mercy, forgiveness, tradition and symbolism. One example of us being a “Little Church” is when Chris and I share our gift of love by, sitting close together at mass and exchanging a kiss at the sign of peace. We choose to stay back after mass to catch up with our fellow parishioners, listen to their story, the lady recently widowed, the couple with the new baby, the friend whose child has moved away from home; or to share part of our journey with them.

On these occasions our Little Church is being a sign of Jesus’ love for us and for the whole Church.
Chris
V.C

For much of my life I saw the church as a 'thing', a building with a priest or two attached. I went to Mass on Sunday because my mother expected me to and when in times of trouble, to ask God's help to get me what I wanted. I talked to people I already knew from school or the neighbourhood and that was it until the next Sunday. The hierarchy of the church was some distant rule making body somewhat detached from real life.. Church did not become more than this for me until Terry and I had children and began attending a smaller country community church. Sunday then was not only Mass day but a day when the community met together to worship and this meeting together carried over to the following week as I became involved in playgroup and other parish based activities. I came to know most members of the church community well and we shared experiences, joys and at times sorrows. Even at this stage however, I still had a 'them' and 'us' attitude. The priests and religious were the church, they made all the decisions, they administered the sacraments.
After our Marriage Encounter weekend, I began to realise that the sense of 'belonging' or community I had been experiencing was in fact the core of the church not some peripheral factor. I began to see Christ in His people rather than just 'in church' The Eucharist is a community celebration - a celebration of Christ's love for us in the most human of activities - a meal. I was excited when I heard the priest talk about married couples administering the sacrament of matrimony to each other, of actually living the sacrament continually.


As Terry and I grow in love daily, so I want our love and joy to touch the church. I see our faith community as having the same needs as our family;- to love, to be loved , to belong ,to be healed and to be affirmed.


We are a part of this special family, so when someone is hurting through grief or illness we hurt too. And when a couple takes the important step of matrimony, we rejoice with them, their joy is our joy. When our wider Church is praised I feel so proud and when she is criticised I feel the pain.

How wonderfully awesome it is to realise that we are called as a couple to make Jesus visible to his people through our love relationship by living intimately with each other and with them.
Terry
V.C
I grew up in a family that very rarely missed mass on a Sunday. When I married I continued this tradition. I saw the church as the building where I attended mass on Sundays and the Priest as the one who was responsible for the smooth running of the parish. I was just one of the many faces that attended mass. I thought that I was playing my part by attending mass and contributing to the collections. My relationship with the Priest was basically non existent.
On our weekend I began to see Fr Tom as very human. He had a mum, dad and brothers and sisters. The thing that struck me most was that he had feelings just like mine. He needed someone to share his feelings with and he also needed to be loved just like me. This opened me up to getting to know our parish priest on a personal level. We are now comfortable with each other and it is quite natural for us to have a long conversation with him or invite him over for afternoon tea. I now relate differently to him and to other priests as well. I see him as a person first and the priest who is in charge of the church {parish?} second.

I also see my fellow parishioners as pilgrims on the same journey as me. I am now more willing to make the time to share and to listen to their story.

Since my awakening to the fact that “We are the Church”, my attitude of aloofness -not being included, has changed. I have become an active parishioner and no longer sit back and leave everything for others to do. We volunteer for jobs and willingly and joyfully take on tasks that we can assist with.
“We are the Church!” and you and I are of significance to the Church.
Priest
V.C (2 min.)



Chris
V.D


I would like to tell you about some couples we know who have impacted our lives because of their sacramental love.


Tim and Jane are a couple that we had admired for their obvious love and acceptance of each other and their energetic involvement in so many areas of the parish. Nothing seemed to be too much effort for them. They organized and encouraged us to do our initial weekend and supported us afterwards. We see God in their relationship and in their unselfish sharing of their gifts with us and those around them. This challenges us to be more of what God desires of us.


Anne and John are a couple that we look up to. They have a genuine love and acceptance of each other and an incredible store of love for those around them.. We have been blessed to be nurtured gently by their caring and their belief in our sacrament. They are extremely generous with their time, and have challenged us with their gentle forgiving love when we have slipped into complacency. We are assured of their love and understanding no matter what. They are truly a visible sign of Christ’s’ love for the Church!





These couples and many more in our lives call us to greatness, to be the best couple we can be (and also to be living signs of Jesus’ love for His Church) in the way we love, forgive and share our concern for each other and for others.


VI Preparation for extended dialogue (8 min. total)
Priest


VI.A Introduce 60/75
Terry
VI.B
This particular dialogue can be incredibly special. You will have the extra time you have wanted over the Weekend to finish your dialogues. We are sure it can be a grace filled time for you. Take this special opportunity to make your spouse your focus for the next two hours fifteen minutes. We want you to approach this time with absolutely no distractions. (The coffee and tea are put away so you won’t be tempted to take time out for a coffee break.)


If your book is nearing the end or your pen is playing up please help yourself to another as soon as we are finished here. When you receive your hand-out please place it unopened in the back of your book for now. On the hand-out are a number of questions. We encourage you to concentrate on the first question and only go further if you are stuck for ideas on what to write.


This is a dialogue but we don’t expect you will spend seventy five minutes describing one feeling! You will have so much to talk about, so feel free to express your thoughts, ideas, dreams and opinions also, but spend as much time as you can describing your feelings as they arise. It is a fantastic opportunity to really explore your beloved feelings, their excitement or fear or joy. You can know what it is like to stand in your beloved’s shoes.


After the writing time, to get the most from this time for yourselves and also so as not to disturb anyone else during the sharing time we ask you to stay in your room together for the whole time. You will be surprised how quickly the time will fly by.


Remember when you write to focus your love letter on the first question and only go onto the second if you need to do so.
Chris
VI.C1
Every Marriage Encounter Weekend presented anywhere in the world has this extended dialogue opportunity to give couples and priests time to explore the wonder of the depth of love within their relationship.


This Church we have been speaking about, these people, are all over the world and they are praying, just so you can love each other and experience each other more deeply and fully than ever before.

VI.C2

For each couple here there is a couple especially praying for you this morning. They are earnestly asking God to be with you and shower you with His love. I know when we are asked we joyfully accept to pray for a particular couple experiencing an Encounter Weekend; we have their names on our fridge to remind us to pray every time we pass. We offer our Sunday mass for the couple and we have a fragrant candle burning for them. The smell wafting through the house, reminds us of their journey over the weekend, so they are very present in our thoughts and prayers.
Priest

VI.C3

This time is profoundly important to you, to us, to the Church. God Himself wants the complete joy for you that comes from knowing each other more fully.





Terry


VI.D

Now we have the handout. Please put it in the back of your book for now.


Handout: Matrimonial Evaluation


Give out the Hand-out


We are now going to play a song called “If Tomorrow Never Comes” by Garth Brooks. You can follow it on page 56 of Workbook.

You may not be a fan of country music or of Garth Brooks but we invite you to really listen to the words of this song with your heart. You may find some of the feelings he is sharing are feelings you are experiencing.

After the song we ask the wives to go to your rooms very quietly to write but not to go to sleep. Think of your husbands writing to you in this room here.